r0dman.com

Misinterpretation is hilarious at times. Yet an absolute prick at other times.

I tend to disregard a lot of things that people say. To me it’s my way of dealing with things, but to others they really take offense.

Take for instance my views on the world. In the past I’ve written about how I don’t really care too much about being cut off by a car while I’m riding my bike (so long as I’m not getting hit). I’m able to brush it off and turn it around on the driver – they are so caught up in their lives that they don’t have time to care about a human life. I see that as a really positive thing – rather than get agitated by it and let it consume my life, I’ve learned to laugh at them and their life.

I can see how it could be interpreted in a number of different ways. It could be arrogant, a bit sympathetic, or pity. Many people see me as a jerk, just out to belittle people, but in all honesty, I’m only trying to justify my life.

I feel so damn alone sometimes in my views and beliefs. Not that I mind – I’m a fairly solitary person being an introvert and all, but sometimes you just want to be able to talk with people and not have to have an opposing view. This is what has made my form my views on life, and helps me to interpret what others do or say. I guess with a lot of negativity in my life as I was growing up, it’s been a sink or swim situation. I went through the troubled little ratbag stage, and came out of it realising that if I didn’t look on the bright side of life I’d probably just end up wearing a black trench-coat listening to The Smashing Pumpkins. I very rarely misinterpret comments and turn them into a negative comment, attacking myself. I always look for positives before taking offense.

Misinterpretation of comments or words can completely change the meaning of a comment or a conversation. The medium by which the communication takes place complicates this issue even further. In person, things like tone or body language can help each party to interpret what the other party is saying. Via text or the internet we don’t have this luxury. It’s all up to the writer to be obvious and the reader to really think about it – often an impossible task.

It’s an interesting one – how does one effectively communicate to a point where there is no scope for misinterpretation? Maybe I’ll read up on that too…

I caught up with my future brother-in-law last weekend. Had a big drink with him like we always seem to do even though it’s not that often. Usually we end up talking all kinds of random on these nights, and this time was no different.

He brought up this blog, and how he wants to blog with me but didn’t know what subject would be suitable. Immediately I knew that it had to be something about consideration. You see, we are two very different people in a lot of ways, but deep down we are both willing to listen to each other and consider what the other one is saying.

You know how some people just seem to disregard what you say immediately? If you’ve read the articles on this page you’d be well aware that I’m open to a lot of different theories and facts. Finding someone that you can discuss this with is hard at times.

Every time I bring up the idea of house prices crashing in Australia to my father, he pulls the “it’s different here” line. He’s old school, and doesn’t have the mental ability to consider the fact that a lot of people could get screwed over by this bubble. Same deal with talking to my fiancee’s mum about weddings. I’m not saying “I’m right and you’re wrong”, I’m saying that “my view is this”, and yet I’m still told that I’m wrong. How can an opinion be wrong? Nice people, but very close minded, and I have trouble talking about my true thoughts with these people nowadays.

After our drunken talk last weekend though, I realised that consideration is very important in a good relationship. It’s hard to speak your true feelings to someone who will just shut you down every time. Good communication means that while you may not agree with someone’s opinion, you will try and see it their way. The more you are willing to consider a person’s view or opinions, the more you will find out about them.

I was lucky enough to have the services of a life coach offered to me over the past six months or so. I was skeptical at first as I was under the impression that it would be more like going to a psychiatrist which I’m not particularly interested in, however the offer came highly recommended and I wasn’t paying for it. Worst case scenario I would cancel the sessions after a while.

In the end though, I can confidently say that it was well worth my time. I have a clearer vision of my future both on an employment level and throughout the rest of my life. One thing that became an obvious “want” of mine, is to learn how to communicate effectively with others.

At this point I should be clear – I believe I am a good communicator. My outgoing communication is good – I have no reservations with telling people my feelings or what I think, but rather I find it frustrating when I talk to someone who doesn’t communicate well. When I began the coaching I was under the impression that if someone I was talking to was unable to articulate their feelings, it was a situation where”they can’t communicate, they need to change”. Things aren’t always as they seem.

In my personal situation, a few people close to me often tell me a lot of facts about their day to day life, but nothing of meaning and value. I can hear about what happened at work for an hour (being busy, what new policies there are and so on), but not how tired they are from being busy, or how the new policies affect them (disappointment, frustration, etc). While the facts have their place, their place isn’t here. When talking to someone you care about, you want to know how they feel and how life is going for them, not about all of the facts surrounding their life.

With effective communication skills, you can encourage the most introverted person to open up and tell you meaningful information about their life.

My own steps to effective verbal communication are as follows:

1. Remove Distractions – The easiest way to start a quality conversation. Television, radio, a computer, newspaper, etc. They will all distract you from your conversation. If the person you are talking to thinks you aren’t listening, they aren’t going to open up to you. This is easily fixed – turn the TV off, put the paper down, and so on.
2. Be Curious – Ask questions about the content of their conversation. If you are genuinely curious, the person you are talking to will begin to open up to you.
3. Clarify – By clarifying what the person is saying, they often respond with more meaning in their speech.
   • Paraphrase – Say what they told you, but in your own words.
   • Mirror – In their words, repeat what they said.
   • Clarify – By clarifying what they are saying in your own words, you will make sure that you know what they are telling you. They will most likely further clarify what they are saying too.
4. Ask Questions – Although point 1 is asking questions, this point is directly in relation to how it has affected them. It’s a direct question for meaning. “How did you feel about that?” “What was the impact on the rest of your day because of that?”

Your main objective is to drill down for meaning. Drill through the facts and the information, and find out how they are coping with life. Find out what makes them happy or sad. I was very skeptical, especially from hearing that by mirroring someone, I could get them to open up a bit more about their life. After leaving that coaching session I went straight to my desk and mirrored my work mate when he told me something about his home life, and he talked for about 5 minutes about how life was affecting him at the time. I couldn’t believe it – it worked! And I was able to put a smile on his face after it all too. I think a good vent was all that he needed.

Coaching has taught me that much more is in my control than I first thought. If I can use these communication skills to help others, my life will be happier too. Everybody wins!

I was talking to a friend last Friday via email. Things were winding up for the weekend and we obviously both had time to talk.

Specifically, I mentioned having an argument with my future mother-in-law about weddings, and how my personal opinion of them is that they are a blatant waste of money, and the stress of the whole thing just erodes the actual meaning of the day. In the end, I believe that they have very little to do with the marriage, or the love that two people have for eachother, but moreso about the image that either the couple, or their parents want to portray to their friends and family. They want to be seen as the people with the really nice wedding, that “must have cost a LOT”, just in the same way that they need a nice flashy car, or a McMansion by the beach.

My ranting continued for quite sometime, as it usually does, and ended up going into the financial side of a wedding.

…fact is that the average cost of a wedding in Australia is $28,700 (or was 4 years ago.. it has probably gone up since then). The average household income is “$91,300″. In reality though, the median household income is more like $50,000 before tax. But lets say it’s $91,300. That’s $63910 after tax, assuming they are both being taxed at 30%, which they probably are.. both earning around $45k or something.

A LOT of living expenses are coming out of that figure. Chances are they’re still renting, driving two Australian made cars with poor consumption and require servicing frequently, which also drains their wallet. It doesn’t leave a whole lot of money. Most Gen Y’ers can’t save for a deposit for a house.. the government is giving them free money to get into debt which is a whole other topic which I shouldn’t get into now.

But the thing is, they just don’t have the dollars to pay for a wedding.

Now what I realised when I was explaining all this, was that there is a black and white difference between the facts, and an opinion.

When I have these “arguments” (or disagreements, or so forth), I usually end up very frustrated. I make a point of providing facts, and then afterwards explaining my opinion, which is derived from those facts. Unfortunately when I usually have these conversations though, the person I’m talking to isn’t interested in facts, only their opinion, and they have nothing to back their opinion up.

I’m happy to be told that I’m wrong, but if you’re going to do it, please have a reason why.

I don’t like to push my views on people, but from reading another blog on the internet, I have come to the conclusion that if you know something that can help others, tell them. It’s not always easy, in fact it’s very hard to be in the minority (being educated), but given a reversed role, I’d like someone to tell me if I was about to make a bad decision, or if I could do something to better my life.

The truth is in the facts.

I’ve realised that the facts are what I need to tell people, not so much my opinion. I try and drop them in everywhere now. (The rate of increase in the number of dwellings in Australia exceeded the rate of growth in the number of people in Australia by 41%. The rate of increase in the number of empty houses was 2.7 times the rate of population growth. *)

Facts are provided everywhere, and once you have verified they are in fact correct, you can make your opinion. Finance, diet, so on and so forth. There are facts, and they are all relevant for you to hold a view on the topic.

If I said to you..

“I think the healthiest way to live is to be a raw vegan, so you should be one.”

Who am I to tell you what to do?

But what if I said..

“Did you know that casein in milk has been proven to be a major cause of osteoporosis and other bone diseases in humans?”

You could then form an opinion from that fact. That opinion could be to believe it, and an action from that opinion may be to stop drinking milk.

Conspiracy theories are a perfect example of where facts can hold some vital information, but where the opinion of some presenters/producers/etc can take over and effectively turn a lot of people away from the original message that they wanted to send. Often there are facts that “the people” should know, but waking up one day and telling “the people” that “Obama is 21st century Hitler” is hardly going to go down well with the majority of people.

Stick with the facts. By all means let others know your opinion, but make sure they know it is your opinion.