Last night I was talking to my fiancee about our parents and the similarities and differences between ourselves and them. The conversation moved to our parents’ decisions in life and how they had affected us.
My parents split up when I was 13, and they argued in the years leading up to the split. As a kid, I was mindful of having a dad that was frustrated all of the time by a wife that wouldn’t talk to him and a mum that had some sort of underlying mental issues.
While for my whole life my mother has been there for me in one way, she has never been there in another way. If I need my clothes washed, she will wash them. If the dishes need doing, she will do them. Any sort of cleaning or task that needs to be done for me and she will usually do it without me even knowing or asking.
On the flip side though, she has never been a strong person that I could rely on. Mum’s first husband passed away about a year after my sister was born, and I don’t believe that she has ever dealt with his death. While she would never admit it, there is obviously an underlying guilt or something that she blames herself for, and it has affected her since he has died. As most children argue with their parents over trivial things, I have certainly had my fair share with her. Most parents shrug it off and deal with it, while my mum will go and lock herself in her room and cry about it for a while. Whether it’s a deliberate attempt to make me feel guilty, I don’t know, but others have said similar things about my mum, including my cousin who once said that “she likes to be the victim”.
My father is an emotionally “strong” person, yet very selfish. When I was around 16 he finally bought a house and I was able to move in with him. At the age of 16, he made me aware that it was a privilege to live with him and in the years following always implied that I somehow owed him for staying at his house and eating his food. I suppose the alternative would be quitting school and getting a job, yet neither of my parents would let me quit school and I didn’t want to either. It’s one of those catch 22 situations where you can’t do anything right.
After finishing school and starting university, I made the choice to quit uni. I wasn’t cut out for it at the time and the degree that I was studying was irrelevant to what I really wanted to do. Rather than encouraging me to do what I wanted to do, he just labelled me a failure. At the age of 21 it was satisfying to earn more money than he was at 50. In contrast now, one of my friends who has the same attitude to uni now as I did years ago is going on his seventh year at uni trying to do the same three year degree that I was enrolled in. That is a huge debt and a huge waste of time. Only now does my father admit that I made the right decision.
My father has always been reluctant to let me work on my cars at his house, let alone help me with working on them. He’s always looking out for number one (himself), and concerned about me messing up something about in life. This “something” might be as simple as putting a tool in the wrong spot in his shed, or as major as allegedly ruining his relationship. (Which I later proved was just a stunt on his behalf to guilt trip me into something, but that is another story).
A less resilient person would feel like a burden with a dad like mine. When I was 10 he would tell me how we would buy an old car and restore it with the money in my trust fund. After the marriage break up the money in my trust fund was gone, and to this day I’ve never had a good project with him. It’s not about the money, it’s about the time spent together working on something with each other. Recently I asked him to help me with some welding that I have been doing as a bit of a project to do some father – son bonding. In his traditional fashion, I had to force him into committing to help me out with the project, and since then he has barely spent a full day with me on it. “I’ve got a few other things on today sorry mate”. No biggie, I know how to weld now and the rest I could always do myself.
Finally there is my sister, who I know is always there for me, but is on her own journey. Remember that her blood father passed away when she was one – she has never known her real father, and has a mother that isn’t able to talk to her about what has happened in her life. She has her own battles without me burdening her. A few years after our parents splitting up she moved to Queensland, and is now married and having a child of her own. I have never really had to rely on her, and don’t think I will ever need to rely on her, although I love her very much and appreciate that if I need her, she will be there for me.
Since the age of 13 it’s been myself making the effort with my parents, not my parents making the effort with me. My school asked me to see the councillor at school who spoke with me for one session. At the time I completely disregarded everything that she told me, but nowadays the only thing I remember her saying was that I was “carrying” my family, and was very resilient. It’s amazing to think that it’s taken me over ten years to truly realise what that meant.
While this all sounds like a sob story up until now, it’s quite the opposite. Unable to rely on those close to me for so long, I am now able to shrug things off and as a result those little negatives in my day rarely affect me. It doesn’t take much to put a smile on my face, but it usually takes some serious shit to get me down.
Resilience is something that has made me who I am today. I feel as though my career has been “easy” because of my resilience, amongst other things of course. I can’t remember ever being emotionally affected by work and there has certainly never been an “issue” at work involving me. From the point of view of a boss, someone who isn’t ever involved in stress or emotional issues at work is great. If you don’t cause any issues for your boss you’re already one up on the people that do.
Nowadays I know I can always rely on my fiancee . While it’s rare for me to be in a really negative mood, it’s great to have someone who I can tell everything. I know that I have her unconditional support, and that is all that I need.
